Domestic Violence 1.1

I would like to start a podcast here shortly so the next few entries will be related to Domestic Violence. This is an official trigger warning, if this sort of thing is something that is still triggering to you and you are not ready to learn about others journey's then now is the time to leave the page. HOWEVER, if you need help in anyway, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 or your local authorities.

I wish I could say that I have only been in one situation, I learned my lesson, I grew, I never took them back, yadda-yadda that's not the case here. THREE. Count it, three times. Not the fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. What the hell do we call three times? Well, the third almost took me out so three strikes you're out situation you learn your lesson, or you die. Very well could have been the case with me the last time. 

My childhood is something I am still recovering from (just a short Synapsys of my backstory) I looked for love in my teens from anyone who was willing to offer it to say the least. If you follow me, I'll get into that more later. I met my older three children's father when I was very young, 14 or so with a mutual friend group where we stayed for the next couple of years. He ended up in a Juvenile detention facility for beating up a police officer when he was 17, that should have been my first red flag right like what on earth was I thinking. Flash forward to him being released, asking about me, so on and so forth we moved to a town a few hours away months after I turned 18 so that he could move from transitional living after being in prison bootcamp, oh man there goes another red flag. After only living together for a short time we were fighting or showing signs of co-dependency with always wanting to see in one another's phone or know where they were and what they were doing constantly. People brushed it off and said it was normal because we were so young, we would get through it. Despite taking any time to see if this would change, we got pregnant right away because a baby fixes everything hahaha. After lots of hormones and tears we had our first major fight where looking back, I can only remember moments of because I am an 18-year-old Nieve pregnant child. I do know at this moment is where I should have walked away, if I had any knowledge of correctly being loved or seeing any examples of a healthy couple growing up would have been helpful.

Being 18, pregnant, three hours away from the only family I had on this side of the continent, we moved back to the town we met in, where our families were to help us through the pregnancy and navigate my own health challenges that came with that. The pregnancy went 'smooth' if you could call it that with the constant gaslighting, ghosting, and things that come with enduring a typical narcissistic alpha male persona. I would be left on read, forwarded to voicemail or just generally unable to know what he was doing even though he needed my GPS coordinates. Not sure how that works but sure in his mind it did. Things didn't really start going south until we moved out of my parent's basement weeks before we had our daughter. 

Despite being on parole for the felony and revocations he had committed he still thought he needed to go drink or be a 'gangster' with his 'gang' family, I haven't even touched on that yet. I should probably mention that is why he is the way he is because his dad was one, his uncles, his brothers, cousins, well you get the picture they are Mexican that should explain enough. He believed this gang was his family and he needed to be there for these people who would spit on him if it was to save themselves. People who thought women needed to be objects and owned as property. Writing that makes me sick to my stomach I cannot believe I thought that was cool at one point in time, that I wanted to be apart of it. One choice I am glad I never committed to, props I get one point in life so I'm probably running -5,563,244,566 by now. 

One night he came home and I could tell something was off, he had been drinking, we had other people who had lived with us who moved out and the energy was just off. I started being screamed at, accused of cheating or doing something with someone who I shouldn't have been. This was never the case I was nine months pregnant at this point miserable in the middle of summer. He starts getting closer into my face with a blank look in his eyes, this look I have seen on all three of my abusers and it is tattooed into my brain forever. Tears flowing down my face, the room around me blurry, and my world feeling like its falling apart I'm pushed to the bed belly first, for the first time. The look of guilt overwhelmed him this time but that wont last long. 

I will end this entry here and come back after I have the baby where things get more interesting.