mANIC 1.1

 I know we are supposed to be continuing on the Domestic Violence wavelength, but I really want this to be so real it's Vio tile at times. With that being said, I have been straight manic for the last 36 hours at least. I am medicated, I have PTSD, ADHD, Anxiety, "slight" depression and I am sure many other things that I have not taken the time or paid the money for people to shove more medication down my throat. I take Effexor, not afraid to say it. I'll admit it's also the only medication in twenty years that's worked for me; however I can see clearly now, and I think my dose is a little too high. I don't have insurance, my doctor moved facilities back in May before I lost my insurance and I have not taken the time to find a new one. In order to lower my dose, I have to jump through all the hoops of figuring out a doctor, insurance, waiting for an appt months out just to have to reschedule a million times. Therefore, it will be in the back of my mind until my distraught emotions bring it forefront when I'm in the midst of a manic episode because I forgot to take my pills for two days and I sit and process weeks or months of emotions these medications shove down and make me numb too. That's when I realize my dose is too high and I am unable to have any emotions when emotions are needed. Don't get me wrong I know I need a little help, but I want to heal, not just numb my emotions. 

When I am going coo-coo I do love to clean so I will mention I get things done when I feel this way, manic we will keep calling it even though I have never been officially diagnosed with bi-polar I'm sure it's one of the many things that I am blessed with. The last few days I have reorganized my business, figured out a whole big to-do list, got bills paid, people paid, cried a few times the, put on my big girl panties and decided to let people know they aren't alone. I have a list of 5 passive streams of income I am simultaneously working on while working on progressing my childcare business on top of raising four kiddos. I am one of the few lucky ones to have a great partner by myside even though it has not always been this way. Being alone or feeling alone even if your surrounded is a horrible feeling. If you need something to help you cope through your healing, you need something to help you get out of bed, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Mental health matters, you matter. It's okay to not be okay, just please ask for help.

I have struggled with dark thoughts, I still struggle feeling like I am not enough or that I am doing everything wrong. I lay awake at night rethinking my day and everything that I should have changed or tell myself that I will change going forward. The world we live in is far from sunshine and rainbows. I feel like I have ambitions that will reach the stars in my brain but no ladder to reach them with. Feeling as if I am drowning in quicksand someone teasing me with a pole ready to pull me out, wake me up from the nightmare that we call life. Feeling like the weight of the whole world is on your shoulders, tasks spinning around like a mobile above my head with all of things I have to do, bills to pay, kids to feed, groceries to buy, people to pay, invoices to submit, things to finish painting, things to clean and label, things to prepare for winter coming before we turn around, even with all the things to do I still need to remember to breathe, love my children, my partner, and God. Trust that he has a plan, he won't let us down. It will work out in the end. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Just remember that you are enough.